I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.
Down and Under Rebecca M.
The ridiculous accounts of a canadian traveller
I think people undervalue the power of self love, and NO get your mind out of the gutter that’s not what I am talking about! I’m talking about spending time making yourself happy. No, truly, just doing exactly what you want.
Do you want that glass of wine with dinner even though you are technically now ‘drinking alone’? Who the fuck cares! Who’s going to know?
Well, now you do. You know what I mean… fuck. The world has ended. You have combusted. Your brains have exploded inside your skull. The core of the earth got too hot and has engulfed the entire planet in a firey hot ball of lava. Magma? Fuck.
Shall you start cooking an entire meal at 8pm because, hell, that’s what you feel like? Why the hell not!
Steak marinated in a sweet plum sauce, grilled potatoes with onion and mushrooms, and salad with balsamic dressing with a glass of wine straight from the bag is exactly what you felt like tonight, and you have just finished eating your meal at 9:28pm. You lit candles and everything, playing your favourite music.
Could this day get better? Let’s go back to the morning…
Wake up, slowly… good. Stretch, ahhh… is that blue sky? Hug your sheets curling up in a ball before you slink out of bed and make yourself a latte and some banana oatmeal, and why not slice some real banana into that? And you know what, let’s pour some brown sugar on top just because mmmmm… Now, carry it back to bed. It’s only 8am. You practically have forever. Eat breakfast in your king sized bed resting against your four magnificent pillows and feel like a fucking queen while reading that book you’ve been meaning to finish since Christmas.
Stay in bed reading until you get a call on your cellphone, casually get dressed and clean up a bit for your supposed-internet-providing visitor. Curl up on that couch with your book again, don’t forget your snuggie you mother fucking goddess.
Say goodbye to your unhelpful-not-providing-internet-fucker visitor, get another rainbow visitor at your window shrieking at you as if to say “LOOK AT ME YOU BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING. DON’T FEED ME, CUZ I WON’T EAT YOUR SHIT. JUST LOOK AT ME. YESSSSSSSS! I FLY NOW! SEE YOU IN TWO DAYS.” (gotta love birds).
Eat some salad, which is mostly tomato, tuna, feta cheese, with a side of lettuce… then head off with nothing extra but your phone and your keys to walk 20km along 6 beaches for 3 hours of good chats about life. Spray yourself with sunscreen like a boss first! AND - get it in your eyes. Ouch! Cry for the next 3 hours.
Try to explain to your friends that for a long time you’ve felt the need to desert yourself on an island somewhere, with no contact from the outside world, to be truly alone and work on your art. You begin to explain, and you realize you should probably keep that little tidbit about yourself TO yourself. You fucking hermit.
Now you’re back in time to make dinner, but it’s only 6pm and you’re not hungry! Go to that used bookstore/cafe that has free internet down the road… pick up some stuff for dinner cuz hell you know EXACTLY what you want to eat tonight.
And well, you know how the rest goes.
As a final step, why not finish that glass of wine while recalling your day, and how food has had a major effect on it. Swirl your wine and sip it, face turned up staring off into the distance like a wise motherfucker. Laugh. Love that simple pleasure baby, cuz some people in the world don’t taste shit and how sucky is that eh?
Acceptance. Accept the fact you are happy. It’s a process, but a fucking good one at that.
Now go to bed you little shit.
“It is my wish to ask the viewer to identify with these pictures the existence of struggle below the surface, to see things that are not immediately visible and to see that what things mean has more to do with you the observer. To know the meaning of a culture you must recognize the limits and meanings of your own. You can see its facts but you cannot see its meaning. We share meaning by living it.” Ricky Maynard
The other night I came home to find Stina on the couch, I feeling tired from a day at COFA preparing for a presentation I had this morning on Aboriginal photography. I made dinner as a result of wanting to distract my mind with something trivial and hands on rather than intensely focusing with my mind… a sort of productive procrastination. In highschool whenever I studied for math I would take breaks by playing Piano, knowing it worked a similar part of the brain.
During our dinner chats with radio playing in the background I was reminded of the funny blog posts that I had written in class, and started to tell Stina about them when she told me that she had read them herself. That surprised me, but really shouldn’t have considering I posted the link for this on Facebook. She told me I should write about our housewarming, I agreed, and then we proceeded to go on a late night timtam run. I ate 6 timtams and finished my assignment. I think that is a new record.
I don’t even remember what happened last saturday (the night of our house party) during the day, but I remember making a yum dinner with Stina and chatting across the table… then slowly getting ready… then making sangria… then all of a sudden it was 9pm and no one had shown up for our party. Me and Stina start to get worried, and in response start to pace around our apartment with crazed wide eyes fiddling with things and asking each other “Do you know who’s coming?” “I DON’T KNOW!!! Do you?”… which then lead to maniacally drinking sangria on our balcony distracting ourselves with the view as well as perched at the ready to spot any possible party comers. “We will just get drunk and drink all the alcohol before they get here” seemed like a logically soothing response to the situation.
All of a sudden, a girl is spotting walking up the street drinking from a bottle. She has long hair and is wearing a skirt…
“Is that your friend?”
“I don’t know! Is it miriam? Is it Filo? Sofiyah? Is that your friend?”
“Maybe, she’s drinking from a bottle, I feel like no one who lives in our building drinks.”
“NEVER.”
And before you knew it, we had our first party guest. I compulsively offer her alcohol in hopes of subduing the awkwardness, which there was none of anyways, and ended up having a good chat before…
*nocknock*
MORE PEOPLE!
More of Stina’s friends show up, and mine come up and I show them my room and things. Maria and Cuddles join, and I’m happily chatting with them when all of a sudden our apartment is full of people who I have NO idea who they are or where they came from. A girl walks up to me and recognizes me, I figure I know her from COFA and she exclaims,
“UBC!!!!”
And I remember she was in my printmaking class back at UBC in second year, that I liked her work and would make my way to chat with her. Now, she was in my apartment, at my party, and I had had no idea she was even in the country. We baffle at the world and how small it is, then I am approached by a lovely russian girl who I quite enjoyed. I socialize with Brazilians who have no idea how they got to my apartment, which I tell them is perfectly alright. I say goodbye to my friends and the large crowd leaves to go to Kings Cross (Vancouver’s Granville Street). I brush off the Brazilians who were at that point annoying me for no particular reason and tell them to have a good night. Then before you know it, the only people left in the apartment are me, Stina, and two gorgeous, well dressed, perfectly groomed, tall (SO TALL), post-grad German men.
The brunette for me and the blonde for Stina, it worked out quite nicely.
We chat for a good hour or so about nothing in particular, neither me or Stina can remember… then decided the night shouldn’t end. The four of us go to World Bar in Kings Cross by taxi, and I awkwardly avoid the nicely opened door by the chivalrous German as I walk AROUND the cab and open the door for myself and hop in. I am a special one it seems. Both of the men were utterly confused. There has always been something about opening my own door and helping myself up or down somewhere with men, my body always compulsively refuses the help on an almost subconscious level that I can’t control.
We go to World Bar and it’s not very busy, of course at that point it is about 2:30am so that is understandable. It IS Australia. I think we left the bar around 4:30am, and to be honest I was just baffled at the fact that both blonde and brunette stayed with us the entire night, never tried to force themselves in any way on us, and just enjoyed our company hoping to make the night last. We went for food, where Stina ran into someone she knew (who would not stop talking) as the boys patiently, and uncommenting, waited for her to finish and we went for a delightful stroll alongside brothels, MacDonalds, and stripclubs.
Long walks on the beach can come later.
We went for a walk and some muffins and the boys did not want the night to end, but me and Stina were ready for bed… later we discussed the option of taking them home with us, but really the night ended perfectly. We walked along the streets of Sydney in pairs, Stina chatting with her blonde about her travels in Europe and me discussing surfing in Hawaii (yea, I’m a total pro alright, or at least, I can pretend to be) and the architectural history of Sydney (I’m smart, alright!) and the boys called us a cab, jokingly asking which one we preferred as we hugged goodbye.
The cab ride consisted of me and Stina finally getting a chance to look back on the night, compare experiences, and figure out what exactly the hell happened. Neither of us are entirely sure of who showed up to our party, neither of us ever stay up until 6am and still have energy to gossip about the night, and neither of us had expected those German men to stick with us for the entire night in such a pleasant and fun way.
Today I am sitting writing this in between classes at the COFA Corner Cafe, which I have never been to before. I have just finished my presentation in class, which multiple people have congratulated me on including the older post-grad students (and my friend told me multiple times I did a good job)! Everyone in the class recognizes me now, and in the professors lecture she referenced me and what I had said a few times. Considering that I was able to both have fun this weekend and impress my classmates makes me happy beyond relief, and I feel like this semester is panning out to be exactly what I hoped for. After class today I am meeting up with Joujke for a quick drink. This weekend I have an art gallery opening to see (with free champaign, excited! Will I even have time to go?) and a house party of my favourite people on Friday, a house party to crash… yea wasn’t invited STILL GOING… on Saturday, and a pool party in an exclusive club called the Ivy with Filo and Stina on Sunday.
Perhaps this post wasn’t as funny as my posts from last semester, but who likes repetition anyway? Much love to my friends from home, I am having fun but am still missing you terribly. Take advantage of every second, every minute, and every day no matter where you are.
“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Yet another quote by Elizabeth Gilbert to get me going. Tomorrow I will be flying to San Francisco, then Sydney! I must remember the happiness I found in Sydney before I left, and strive to maintain it again, because happiness is something you have to work for. It is forever changing and moving and I must struggle to keep up and not be left behind!
I have to let myself be too grand to worry. Perhaps I shall remind myself of how tall I am and pretend I am so giant no one or nothing could get in my way!
“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. I just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until I reached Greenland.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love.
Today, I went back to the beginning. I searched through my mind with closed eyes looking for that person I was in June 2012. My heart aches to remember this person… for she is totally and completely… well, me.
I remembered reading the quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” and I remember writing my first heartfelt post on this blog. I hadn’t read this book, or seen the movie, but was told that it was “too long” and “the only good part about it was when she ate whatever she wants. I don’t get the praying part and the love part is just corny and unrealistic.”
While I was working at the store in my hometown, a job that now feels so comfortable and familiar to me, I looked through the movie selection during a quiet hour or so and found “Eat, Pray, Love” and decided to give it a chance.
I love Julia Roberts, her wide smile and big cackling laugh and the way she seems effortlessly herself in every role. Watching her again made me laugh, because it made me remember sitting in my common room in Australia drawing with my mates. A friend of mine did a drawing of me that was quite scary (in all fairness, I was making a frightening face at the time) that I was embarrassed to say was supposed to represent me! Some one pointed out it looked like Julia Roberts, and from then on Julia Roberts she was. I still have that drawing saved somewhere for when I get back along with all the other ones I can’t wait to put up on whatever wall of whatever apartment I end up living in.
In my first post I wrote “What if you leave and then come back to something completely different?”. Well, I have. “When you return and you feel more out of place than from where you last left from.” I don’t. “Can you learn to love home again?” Yes, absolutely. “Or do you leave?” I must.
Everything has changed. I have changed. I am not the same person that I was when I left, and that is why I am having such a hard time identifying with the person I was, even though she is as much a part of me as anything. I can’t wait to go back to Australia, I can’t wait for what life has in store for me. I feel more on track now than ever.
I know that I will have to let people go, and I hope that they understand that it is not because I do not care about them it is simply because I am not the person I was. I have changed, it is nothing to do with anyone else. I am no longer the girl who feels the need to have countless friends, or the girl who feels she needs to prove herself by partying hard and drinking a ton, or the girl who is too afraid to express her love, or the girl who will fight to keep people in her life who don’t treat her right.
Even though I am so different, I will never feel out of place. I am who I am and where I am supposed to be, and I hope to God that I will make the most of it.
Eat, Pray, Love. I can’t wait to…
Eat what makes me healthy and what is delicious.
Pray to God who I trust and place my faith in absolutely.
Love with everything I have and place it in the right hands.
Hola
I don’t have regrets. I don’t wish that I could go back in time and change anything… perhaps I used to when I thought that one singular moment in time could make a big difference to my life but now I can see the bigger picture better.
I’m tired, I’m so tired. My body aches and I want to be kind and the best I can be for others, but I’m so tired. I’m so tired of having to fight for what I want constantly… and just when I think I’m going to get it it slips away.
I’m also tired of my aching heart, and feeling like I have to push people away… that I’m ‘just fighting off the friends’. This can’t be true.
I’m scared for what is to come with all my being, scared of disappointment and frustration and high hopes.
Time to get some good sleep and have a good rest!
Also I did not enjoy Django. It’s too gruesome and perverted and generally unnecessary.
Well alright, I am feeling particularly ADHD and therefore I will list things numerically so that I can stay focused. Here are some of the awesome things that have happened during my travels with my family for the past month in AUSTRALIA!!!
1. Running through the Sydney airport in a mad dash to get to the International Airport instead of the Domestic one. No, Cairns is not a part of Australia (just kidding it is, but the flight was at the other airport)… we almost missed our flight at 7am in the morning but luckily we had checked in the night before online so we made it! Saved $500 and got to see my family run through airport security screaming and yelling.
2. PORT DOUGLAS, the great barrier reef, I touched it. JUST KIDDING (bones) I only touched what I was allowed to… sea turtles are ok right? Just one wee pat? And maybe a fish… and a clam…
3. Went for a run on 4 mile beach in Port Douglas. While running man undresses on beach (rapidly). We are only people on that section of the beach. He stares me down in a yellow thong speedo and starts screaming gibberish at me AS I RUN FOR MY LIFE. Luckily he did not run after me.
4. Saw my little sister hold a Koala!
5. Went for a swim in Byron Bay, then I saw birds off in the distance diving towards the water and I knew they were trying to get fish, and I had a feeling the dolphins were herding them. By luck they came closer and I swam out! I SWAM WITH WILD DOLPHINS!
6. Listened to my relatives telling my parents how they recently were ‘sexually abused’ in an airport but it’s ok because they’re old and have already experienced those sorts of things (WHAT?)
7. Saw Fraser Island on my Moms birthday… with a racist ‘tour-guide’ who wasn’t actually a tour-guide at all. He started off the tour by yelling at the two asian people on the bus saying “YOUR NAME ISN’T MARIA, SIT BACK DOWN WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS… YANG BACK CHOI… DUCK YUCK SU… or whatever it says on your passport from WHEREVER the HELL you’re FROM.” Everyone on the bus was shocked, me and my family were in hysterics. He then proceeded to get angry at me for being 5 minutes late to the bus, which I responded with ‘I really don’t care what you are saying to me right now’, giving us information about wildlife like ‘those look like used toilet brushes’, and explaining that the only reason he had that job in the first place is because he used to drive the truck in the coal mines and has had no training as a tour-guide whatsoever. Fraser Island was beautiful!
8. Swimming in Lake Mackenzie and giving each other ‘sand facials’. PLUS, wild dingos!
9. Calling Hervey Bay ‘Pervey Bay’ and claiming never to return.
10. Trying to correctly pronounce Mooloolaba… moolooooolaba…mooloo…LAba?
11. SAILING THE WHITSUNDAYS! … and Jewish sailing the whitsundays…
12. Sunsets in Nara Inlet on Hook island, exploring ancient aboriginal cave drawings, spotting SO MANY gigantic turtles, taking a video of my parents yelling at each other while my brother laughs while we’re in high winds, relaxing at the resort on Hamilton Island where you feel like the Queen of the world, getting woken up by cockatoos raiding our boat, staring out the roof window above my bed at the million TRILLION stars.
13. Watching the fireworks in Darling Harbour.
14. Showing my dad the Opera House!
15. Seeing camels at manly beach (dressed up as the three wise men asking ‘WHERE’S THE BABY’ and my mother replying ‘THE DINGO ATE MY BABY’… I don’t think Aussies find that very funny…)
16. Having Christmas in Coogee… which included my parents sneaking us in to the hotel buffet for free breakfast, lunch in Darling Harbour, reading the Hobbit and attempting to BBQ in the rain on Coogee beach with our friends the Homeless asking for a bite and a light!
It’s been a hell of a month, and I miss Australia already! I’m looking forward to getting back. But, there’s no place like home… I’m going to cherish the little time I do have in Vancouver because there are so many people here that I love and so many beautiful places that are special to me.
17. It rained for about one day during our time in Australia. There was a total of 5 hours of sunshine during the month of December in Vancouver. OHMYFREAKINGAD.
“I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess.” -Martin Luther
“It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him”
-Abraham Lincoln
I must keep in mind what I want out of my life. To feel worthy of myself and to claim kindred to the great God who made me. It is so so easy to let yourself wallow in misery, to get angry and upset… to tell yourself you’re not good enough or why would he ever like you or you are lost. In times like this, it is important to take a moment and reflect on yourself and your life. Here are the steps I took tonight…
1. Finally get home, text my friend saying I’m upset. Write a message to my friend ranting. Let myself be upset and angry and hostile and generally pissy, read articles about ‘why men suck’ (yes, I googled that) and find a blog that leads me to articles like ‘breakups for broke girls’ and ‘stronger than anger’.
2. Remind yourself that you’re allowed to be angry… but that this isn’t who you are. You are strong and happy, and this angry side of you which is negatively affecting those who don’t deserve it is not the real you, and certainly not a version of you that you want to be.
3. Accept yourself. Pray, if it helps you. Go to bed. Set new goals and look to your bright future ahead!
Moving out of my room! Looking at it now I’m remembering moving in at the beginning of the semester. Seeing the empty walls it feels like I’m at that point in time, first moving in, the beginning of my semester in Australia… but that I’m such a different person. It’s a sort of weird deja vu feeling that I just can’t shake.
Just heard my phone go off, and I look at the message from a friend asking to go out tomorrow night and I think about all the people I’ve met, bonded with, and created a life with here. I have absolutely no regrets and so many more people to love.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.” ― Ellen DeGeneres
So it’s been a long while since I’ve made a good post on my travel blog. So much has happened, I don’t even know where to begin.
Firstly, I have decided to stay for another semester. I know that this is the right decision, it took me a while to make up my mind for sure but now I can say that I’ve made my decision and it’s what I want and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fulfil it. That’s something really important that I’ve learned while I’ve been here, it’s important to make your own decisions and not live by anyone else’s rules (unless it’s don’t murder thy neighbour and all that, you know what I mean).
Secondly, I have learned to be more honest with how I feel. It started at the beginning of semester, and now has progressed to having feelings towards new people and new places. I have learned that there are certain people who, as you get to know them, aren’t the type of people you want or need in your life. I’ve learned that it’s important not to beat around the bush, because time is precious and you never know how much of it you will have. I’ve learned that I have people in my life who are worth fighting for, 1 MILLION BAJILLION percent worth it. It is a struggle for me at the moment because I have feelings for someone and I’m not sure if he feels the same way back. I’ve made it pretty clear that I like him, but there have also been weird moments where maybe I confused him. I just hope that he knows I care, and that we can make it work somehow. Hopefully I can continue learning in this area!
The past few weeks have been a lot of goodbyes and a lot of travelling! Up to Noosa with the girls and down to Tasmania with my brother. I’ve sent him off to the beach now, it’s been a week of constantly being together and I love him very much but a girl needs her alone time! I hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way, I’ve enjoyed this time together so much. Tasmania included two first days of boredom and a LOT of waterfalls, but also bonding and catching up, figuring out what the future holds, and how to deal with parents. We went out with the group in a little town called Launceston, and we had a great time. We had a hilarious tour guide with a heavy strong Australian accent who constantly said ‘YEAAAA’ ‘pewpew alright my good friends’ and many other slang terms that me and my brother will surely repeat for years to come. One of the girls on our trip, who we call ‘ice cream girl’ on account of her constant eating of icecream (including a breakfast icecream). She was hilarious, very in the clouds. On the last day, our German friend (who we shall call Tart because he is a Baker) told us that she had been writing in the sand when our authentic australian tour guide (Disco Dave) stomped out what she was writing. She looked up, about to cry, when Disco laughed and asked what she had been writing, and she replies…
“Dreams Forever”
I kid you not, I laughed for about 10 minutes. When Tart told us the story we were in Hobart at an Irish pub sharing laughs about the past week over some Tasmanian beer.
The other highlight was our friend Kevin, also from Germany, when (during our night out in Launceston) got very VERY drunk and ended up grabbing a purse on his way home. Me and my brother see him in the kitchen the next morning, completely hung-over holding a women’s purse. Supposedly he grabbed it thinking it was one of ours… freaking hilarious. Disco laughed so hard, and we made an extra stop that morning at the Launceston police station to return the purse.
I could go on and on about the hilarious arrangement of people we met on this trip, ranging from hilarious irish woman to german wonder woman to solmon from iran (who we introduced to jagger bombs and since he didn’t speak much english, didn’t say a word for the rest of the night but just walked around with a pleasant expression on his face looking happy with a drink in hand) to creepy swiss dudes to a twitching canadian to a hilarious chinese/adelaide girl who was a phycologist who thought roadkill was awesome to an obnoxious brit/aussie who shared my name to an elusive german woman who avoided everyone to an asian girl who looked about 16 who was actually 30!!!… but I’ll stop here for now.
On the fourth night, me and my brother went to see wild penguins come up from shore. They were tiny little blue penguins and it was truly amazing! I have been wanting to see wild penguins ever since I came to Australia and I am so so happy that we went to see them.
The trip went by in a flash, I can’t believe it’s already over. Crap, it’s raining, I hope my brother can think for himself not to stay at the beach when it’s raining! I gave him directions home, he should be ok.
Being back at college is a bit sad, I miss the buzz of school life so much. Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to travelling with my family, but this past semester has been so full of learning and growing and becoming more independent that I am so sad that it is over, but SO glad that it happened.
